A made-up word to establish how I feel. I feel like I’m screaming inside, and obsessive thoughts are running through my head over and over (see also the definition for obsessive, duh). For example this post has been running around in my head, fully written, yelling itself repeatedly for about the past hour. Never good signs. I feel like watching Love Story just so I can have an excuse to cry.
Goddamn biploar
27 April 2008 at 6:24 pm (depression)
Tags: bipolar, medication issues, personal
I hate it when medication is screwy and not doing its job, or doing its job plus some annoying as hell side effects. Mainly, I hate it when medication doesn’t keep me from having to hear Gavin told, “Mommy can’t play with you now. Mommy’s sick.” It rips my heart out to see that little face looking sad as he contemplates why it is that his mommy doesn’t want to get down on the floor with him and play whatever game he’s playing. I hate hearing him ask, haltingly, “Mommy … sick?” I don’t want him to grow up too quickly, knowing that some days he has to stay away from Mommy because she’s sick and might start crying. I don’t want him to carry that weight on his shoulders. I don’t want him to learn to accept that sometimes Mommy isn’t Mommy and she has to be left alone.
weekly goals
25 April 2008 at 6:57 pm (General)
Tags: goals, knitting, personal, photoshop
Although “weekly” seems to imply that I actually do this every week, I set some for this week. Nothing catastrophic if I don’t achieve them, but for what it’s worth:
- Finish one of my salto socks and start on the other one. Ok, not so much. Almost.
- Finish a dishcloth for my mom. Would have been done already if we didn’t go to the zoo today, but should be finished tonight nonetheless.
- Finish first square in my dad’s Great American Afghan. Done! Started on a second as well.
- Take pictures. Done!
- Do some Photoshop work. Also done!
Not so bad. About to upload some more pictures to flickr.
(k)Nitpicking
23 April 2008 at 2:19 pm (General)
Tags: movies, nitpicking
I’m watching Sabrina — the Julia Ormond version, not the Audrey Hepburn version — and I have a little complaint. Sabrina is showing Linus some pictures she took of his cottage in Martha’s Vineyard, except she hands him an envelope of pictures she took in Paris instead of the cottage pictures. Since she is shown coming from the photo lab, she clearly got them developed at the same time. Sabrina is supposed to love taking pictures. I might be willing to accept that she didn’t have her own darkroom — perhaps her chemicals had to be left behind in Paris — but no way am I accepting that she had this roll of film that she hadn’t developed yet. She had been home from Paris for at least a few days. I realize that digital is easier than film in this regard, but when I’m loving my lens (which sounds much kinkier than I intended) there is no way I go more than 24 hours without seeing the pictures I just shot.
Just picking.
Oy
19 April 2008 at 12:29 am (General, Medical, snark)
Tags: abilify, myspace, restless, Starbucks, stupid people
Yeah. I am so not good at blogging anymore. But here I am, middle of the night and restless thanks to my friend Abilify. Worked until close today. We had the cops there multiple times and an ambulance once. Seems someone had some brass knuckles and someone else’s head got acquainted with them. Boy, do I love the teenagers on Friday and Saturday nights! Speaking of teenagers, one of the teenagers employed by my store got fired today. She posted a bulletin about it on MySpace, saying she got “laid off” because she was a dumbass, and was going to go out and get fucked up. Honestly, do I really even need to comment?
I should be asleep. Maybe this stupid medication will let me sleep sometime soon. If not, I’ll be up making cookies and knitting and cleaning house and making artist trading cards and altered art and and and…
Some days, everything is a celebration
12 April 2008 at 9:14 am (Silly)
Tags: Gavin, manicure, Silly
Gavin let me cut his nails! Considering he insists it hurts, and they were typically gross little boy nails, I feel a celebration coming on.
Munchies
10 April 2008 at 2:21 pm (General)
Tags: hungry, place filler
I have a post in mind, courtesy of the gossip magazine I somehow get for free, but I’m hungry. Must go eat something, then I’ll think about coming back here and tantalize you with my observations on Britney.
Paying gig
7 April 2008 at 8:15 am (General)
Tags: photography
Woohoo! One of Gavin’s teachers at daycare asked me if I would take pictures for her this summer. She’s pregnant, and wants me to shoot her new baby and her older son together in a few months. Yay! *happy dance* I have no idea what to charge, but I’m just happy to be asked.
1 April 2008 at 9:39 pm (General)
Tags: david, myspace, relationships, siblings
It’s weird sometimes realizing how much time has gone by. When Steve and I first started dating, his little brother was this little pubescent dork who was … well, he was 13. That should sum it up. Now he’s turning 28 later this month and has a baby on the way. I just read something his girlfriend wrote on MySpace about their cat they had to put to sleep last month and his response to it, saying he started crying reading what she had written. It’s hard to change the picture in my head from the shy little boy to the (ok, still shy) grown up man preparing to be a dad. Seeing that side of him — hell, finding out it exists — lets me know he’s going to be ok.
My biological brother has heard me say I love him once that I remember — i.e., beyond the toddler stage when you parrot back what you’re told to say. He’s an annoying racist prejudiced opinionated ass, and that’s what I have to say about him on a good day when he hasn’t pissed me off recently. My oldest bio brother is just a rich prick. Don’t recall ever telling him much of anything, now that I think about it. My point here is that I don’t have a whole lot of experience with sibling relationships. I just left my brother-in-law a comment on MySpace that I love him and his girlfriend. Just a baby step, maybe, but I’d like to try to keep making moves in the right direction.
